An insight of grief after almost 3 years....

Some of the most difficult questions for me to answer were right in front of me. It will be 3 years this July since we lost Emily and this is what I have learned.

Many of us have heard that we should "Let Go".  I spent countless hours wondering just what that meant.  What or who were we suppose to let go of?  And what did it mean if we did?  My beliefs are this:
 As much as I have thought about this, I'm still not completely certain as to what it means. I do not think that it's possible to let go of Emily, in the sense that I won't worry about her, wonder how she is or what she would be doing now if she were here.  Those are things you just can't let go of....You can't just make the pain go away and you'll never stop loving them.  Although, I think that if it did mean something that is actually possible, this is my opinion on it..... I know that at one
point I had several dreams that it was all a mistake and that she was coming back to me. Like for example, I had a dream that the hospital called and said it was all a mistake and that I could come and get her now that she was alive and well. In some strange, unrealistic way, I actually hoped that she would come back to me.  So, something that I've learned to "Let Go" of is just that. I let go of the hope that she'd come back to me. I let go of the idea that it was all just a big mistake. I came to terms that there was no way that she was going to come back and that I'd be able to watch her grow. But EVERY DAY I still MISS the moments that I lost, the things I'll never get to see, the memories I'll never have. EVERY
DAY I think of Emily and EVERY DAY I wonder what she'd be doing if she were here now. The only difference is... I know that I'll never know those things. Letting go does NOT mean that I don't think about her, that I don't love her, or that I don't miss her. Letting go, to me, just means that I accept that she is not coming back and that I will have to wait till it's my time (and I don't get to choose when) to see her again. On the other hand, I DO think that God took her away. Wait, I know how that sounds, but let me explain. God saw her in pain, God knew what kind of life she had in store, and God gave her His Mercy and took her to live with Him again.
I also think that at some point, all of us, maybe not every single person, but many of us have thought about suicide or at least what it would be like if something "happened" to us and we were with our child again. In MY opinion, it's perfectly normal to want to be with your child NO MATTER where they are. It takes A LOT
of courage and being TOTALLY NOT selfish to NOT take your own life.  The thing that saved me was my other daughter, Alyssa and my family. I knew that I was needed here. I could NOT put my daughter, Alyssa, through the pain of losing her mother (as I figure she'd think that I loved Emily more than her and wanted to be there for Emily and not her which is so not true) I also couldn't put my mother through that (I'd be putting her through the pain I knew so well, the loss of a daughter). After thinking of those things and how many people I would be putting in pain, knowing that I was the one that put them in that pain, I knew that I could never do that.  This pain that I live with now and will for EVERY DAY for the REST OF MY LIFE has become almost like a friend. The pain is something that reminds me of the love that it so strong between Emily and I that not even death can take it away.  A love that is worth all the pain the world can throw at me. So, when my pain is so much that things become blurry and emotions run raw, I think of why I have this pain. I have this pain because I LOVED my daughter so much and I LOVE HER STILL and ALWAYS WILL NO MATTER WHERE SHE IS. By letting love in, you leave yourself vulnerable for the pain. But the moments you cherish and the love you have is worth the pain. 
I accept the pain that is handed to
me from the loss of my child, because I accepted the love that came
with it. I accept the pain with open arms because I would not have
that pain if I didn't love my child very much and because I would
not trade a moment of my time with her and I'd do it all over again,
go through the excruciating pain, just to hold her in my arms, look
into her eyes, see her smile and tell her how much I love her. But the pain is not a crutch, it isn't something that should hold me back....I should enjoy as much of my life as I can,,,,be as happy as I can,,,,yet still know that it is okay that I still hurt cause I always will.....

So, why is grief so hard?  Because you love someone very much and it HURTS not to be with them and to miss all the things that would happen and that you would get to see if they were with you now.  Why the pain?  Because their is love....The more you love someone, the more it hurts when you lose them....  So, what CAN you do?  You can accept the pain and why you have it.  You can accept that time can never take away all the pain that you have but that it also can never take away all the love and memories....  I do not want the pain to go away, as the pain is a part of me, like a symbol on my heart that says " I love my daughter and I will miss her till the day I die.  I lost someone very special to me and I wear this pain because I can't be with her anymore."







By: Gena Taylor